Getting nowhere and at a rate not incomparable with that which could be said to exceed standard velocities.
Actually I�m not sure I�m getting nowhere. I think its more a case of revisiting the same 4 moods with monotonous regularity. In summary these four moods are:
1. A sense of relief that a hard and uncertain time is over
2. A sense of futility, wasted effort and hurt.
3. A sense of apprehension about my ability to attract members of the opposite sex with a rapidly retreating hairline and increasing levels of geekiness
4. Conversely, a sense of excitement that there may be girls out there who like cricket, and see it as a titanic struggle with nuanced and subtle changes in mood, atmosphere, the balance of the context swaying to and fro with every effort, of being attacked, having ones attacks repelled, being attacked, defending, counterattacking, re consolidating, charging forward with abandon and the ultimately calling the whole thing off as a draw. To me, a slowly unravelling denouement of power and glory, to some people, dull as paint dry. Go figure.
Like I said to Bob, when I�m forty I�ll care less about being cool and being with a cool lady, and hopefully care more about really getting to know someone, about sharing the ups and downs rather than fearing the worst when things are good and running away when they aren�t.
See you in ten years.
M
Matt Crossman
derwent_massive@hotmail.com
5 comments:
Again and again, as I read your blog, I see someone else who finds life confusing and exciting, and has many of the questions that I have.
In this case I'm almost with you all the way. First three I often ask. 'Part from the 'retreating hairline' bit, that is :) And I'm still asking these questions more than three years after my last (and only) gal.
But what I have to keep coming back to is God's promise that he's working for my good through all things, even the rubbish things. Sounds completely crazy, and to be honest, I often find it hard to believe. I guess that's where trust kicks in. God is on our side, and is weaving his plan into our livers (oops. sounds good though!).
'Knowing'. That's an interesting one too. I agree with Ro and Ben - I find myself hard enough to understand, let alone anyone else understanding me. I like what you said about 'sharing ups and downs', rather than fleeing at the first sign of trouble. That would be great.
Anyhoo, hope work gets better soon Matt!
Ah but richard, regarding sharing ups and downs - 'twas but a thinkly veiled dig at said ex ... lol.
I can see that we were going in different directions - but to me this is not a problem, and to her it is simply massive. From my perspective we have always been going in different directions due our different stages in life, but I've always been able to make choices which enabled our relationship to happen. E.g. where i serve in church, what i choose to do with which friends all were shaped by a desire to let her do what was important. And there's no sense denying that even as late as the end of Januray it was working.
From my perspective, I had to stay free cos she never was.
Do two people have to be into exactly the same thing to be able to and support each other? I dont think so, as my model is my parents who are totally different yet work. She does - especially as this particular sense of vocation is a very deep one.
Which brings me to my next point. To continue to love is a decision, not a feeling. She knew I was making choices about being loving, but this isn't the same as magically sharing the same vocation. She was scared that loving me would cause her to compromise her vocation, which in her own admission is a perspective which is self-ish (a very loaded term, i use it in a gentle manner).
We had the coming together of someone saying 'I'm so into what you do, even though its not my thing, but i want to share it, bring what i have and strengthen you in it" with 'Im so moved by the ambiition and dream that nothing will stop me doing it, and I'm scared that being in this relationship will cause me to compromise it'. So that person ended it ...
If you look at it like that, it makes no sense. Where is the trust? If one person has compromised to maintain the relationship, how does it make that person feel when the other steadfast refuses to even countenance the idea of compromising? especially when that person wasn't being asked to ...? You can't ever hope to build a relationship and never ever compromise: instead you have to be mutually submitted to each other, and work on the coming together of your wills as an art, something to be crafted not experienced as a dazzling gift.
However, if you look at like this, and this is how I'm lookign at it, it makes more sense.
I think she just didn't love me, didn't like me, and didn't trust me. In short, several fantastic reasons to end a relationship. If any of the above were not true, we'd be together, trying atworking through this, possibly failing, yes. But maybe finding something deeper.
What a shame that these were cryptic, hidden reasons which needed coaxing out.
Good grief that was one long comment. Please take with pinch of salt. im by no means perfect.
M
Hey Matt
Mom's just been reading your blog, and it's not made her very happy. i don't think it's all my fault that she looks like she wants to cry, although she may be just a little bit over stressed and over tired.....
anyway, she wants me to tell you that she's nearer 40 than she wants to admit, actually quite likes cricket, and doesn't think you're a geek at all - or is that just absence causing the heart to grow fonder?
We're sorry to hear things have been a bit tough recently, but just wanted you to know that we still love you over here.
You're a really good guy and deserve a really good girl. here's hoping she finds you soon :)
There's a fundamental change which happens sometime around the early twenties (can be earlier for some crazies, later for others) when you realise the sheer act of being in a relationship is no longer the constituent of being a successful human being. That significant other who you know is all wrong for you suddenly begins to come into a sharper focus (INSERT RELEVANT BIBLE PASSAGE HERE) and imperfections which you would have ignored once upon a time to stay in the 'Together Club' reveal themselves as impediments both to your relationship together and, more signifiantly, to your ability to worship together. (And if you ain't worshipping together, and not just in a musical sense, you've got troubles.)
The slight complication, and I think a lot of Christians fall up/down/left/diagonally here, is that this is the point when almost everyone else you know of your age will be getting married. The simplest solution I've found is, simply, to keep good touch with all your married friends and listen to their tales of post-Honeymoon/real world living type experiences. The married life has its own set of cryptic code sharing which has to be understood and adapted to, and is nothing to be jealous of for those of us still twiddling our pens in our mouths on the singles crossword page.
Because, you see, not only do you have life things to deal with, people start asking you to produce babies. Nobody's asked me to do that yet. For which I am very greatful.
The universe will take care of you, Matt. It'll give you some bruises and the odd scar. But they always have a great story to them when you get to the right (metaphorical) bar and the right (metaphorical) crusty sailor who wants to hear about them, right?
I don't wish to be associated with crusty sailors, metaphorical or otherwise.
Think I wrote most of that in a very bad mood on friday. It's always harder when the spectre of a weekend hangs over you, but it turned out quite cool, Max kids worship, Kate Hall's party and grooving with bentley rythym ace down at TimBuks with some other single chaps and chappese just having straight out fun with no sexual politics going on ...
Good bit of wallowing always helps though.
And now to our next phase - week three is definately 'I want to run away' time. Possibly to babysit for Joel, I know his 'rents are a handful.
M
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